the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
you showed up at my door at 3am, handed me a bag of cold chicken nuggets and said "lead me to the non-irish Siobhans," do YOU think you were tripping?
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
You win. I am a lesbian who maybe slightly jaded. I didn't mean to throw the knife at you head.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
