Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
So much rum. So many feels.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I had the bathroom of girls sing you happy birthday while you puked. I couldn't stop laughing. They were all so supportive
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
Randomize
