Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
I just puked on my dog.I feel summer coming on
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
