I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king
I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
I added a U.S. Senator on snapchat....casual.
So my roommate just came out of the shower with a dude...guess that answers all questions as to whether or not he's gay
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
