i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
Jesus christos I come home and am treated like my vagina is made of gold
Either that or it dispenses candy
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