Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Congrats. You are not detrimental enough to my psyche to be discussed during this mornings therapy appointment. Please follow up next week to see if you made the cut.
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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