she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
What are you wearing tonight?
The colors of the winddddddd
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Randomize
