Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
was it mean of me to chase him screaming "DO YOU EVER WANT TO BE ABLE TO HAVE CHILDREN?!"?
I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
dude all you wanted to do was sleep under a bridge
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
At one point I was counting his nipple hairs to calm myself down.
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
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