so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.
Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
He was the perfect gentleman on our first date. Took me out for candlelit dinner at a fancy restaurant, held open the door, walked me home, and made me cum three times before he got his.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize