My ass is singing 4 different tunes right about now... Taco Bell was a bad idea!
Do you think if I drink bleach they will let me leave work?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
The first thing we did this morning was see if we could see her barf in the prking lot from the roof. We could. It was in 5 spaces.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
Randomize
