i need an iv and a liver transplant
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?
The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I almost itched my nose with the lit end of a cigarette. Help.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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