dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
cool, get new shit, I dnt want the same old if it's my last drink ever
The world isn't ending you idiot. I'll grab beer
I miss you, too. It's hard to sleep without anything licking my head.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Randomize
