I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
u think ur still drunk from last night? i just put the eggs in the freezer and the remote in the sink. I don't wanna fucking hear it.
Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
I just saw two homeless guys bond over the fact that they both use Crown Royal bags as wallets in Burger King.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
Randomize
