you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Your dad touched me again.
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
