Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I am both excited and frightened by the fact that this much everclear is legal here. Best vacation ever.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
So who has the penis shaped party tray? You or your mom?
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
