if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Pretty sure I was naked for most of the night.....success
Dear god my vagina.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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