Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
So the doorbell rang while we were banging, and I'm pretty sure the pizza man saw my dick. But hey, we got pizza.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
Who died my cat blue again?
Lest it die in the depths of eternal drunken recall denial...we peed in the street. Middle of the street. Simultaneously. Peed. Street. Middle of street.
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
This is the weekend we were supposed to be in Vegas making bad decisions hoping no one got VD, not stuck at home for the 900th day in a row
Randomize
