so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
the only thing you said was do the helicopter dick
I'm sitting in the breakroom facing a very large sign that says "inappropriate workplace behaviors", and i can't help but feel like it is directed at me
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
You had me at "let me see your balls"
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Fuck the walk of shame. I make this shit glorious.
The fact that you arent wearing shoes probably just adds to the classiness
Condom wrapper stuck to my shirt ups the anty
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
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