and i think we compared dick sizes, then high fived...
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
You can't say "they have anal bleaching for that" and then just hang up
He's the kind of drunk guy that would pee in your mouth while you give him head.
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
My mouth taste like pussy and my dad noticed. Hahahaha
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
Did I fall last night?
I wouldn't call it falling as much as you tried to lay on the sidewalk and proceeded to hit it face first.
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
