He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Someone got day drunk, but I'm not saying who.
It was me.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
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