All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...
Are you serious?
yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
