$4 taco and $400 parking ticket. i am not a cheap date.
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Our sex is like an episode of "The Simpsons." Picture Homer choking Bart, and that's pretty much what we're into.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
