Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.
Deal.
I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
