Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
I think I know how big ted kennedy's penis is.
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Can you have a quarter life crisis another time? I'm trying to masterbate.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
I went to the hospital to have my arm checked out, and they already knew the story. They gave me props for posting photos on facebook before even coming to the hospital.
Randomize
