Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Why can't I come over and snuggle you and make you lick my boots
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I think I'll shower sitting down. That seems safe.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
