my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
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At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
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I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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