i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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