On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
you said your puke was red because you were proud to be an american.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
he just hooked up with some chick in a bedroom upstairs so I just went to sleep in the pantry closet...
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
I CAN SPEAK THE LANGUAGE OF THE ANIMES.
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Randomize
