You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
I just spent the last hour reading customer reviews on amazon.com for the book "it hurts when I poop." Send help.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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