I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this study room smells like vodka
the study room thinks the same about you
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
But it's ok cause then I turned my tequila blanket into a tequila comforter and I felt no pain
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
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