The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
ill give you the fast version. Hooked up with 17 year old coworker while housestting for my boss
I feel like I wont be making enough money to support my frivilous lifestyle of beer and mcdonalds
If it's any consolation, I've been sitting in the hallway in assless chaps for the past thirty minutes
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
If i ever die cab you make sure bag pipes are at my funeral they are awsome
the only two hours i was sober on this trip and i managed to break my toe. no one will believe this.
Let's get drunk and put things on the grill that have no right to be there.
Happy birthday, America.
I gave you the craziest sex experiences of your life, the least you could do is let me keep the sweater.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Keep your fingers crossed. If I get to go to a Stanley Cup game I'll give you the blowjob he deserves for taking me. Because hes definitely not gettin it.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
