If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?
Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.
im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Some people say 6pm is too early to get drunk. To them I say this dinner is delicious.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Wellp yesterday was spent absurdly hungover and today was spent in planned parenthood so I hope that's not an indication of the year to come
I just jacked off to nostalgia.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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