It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.
other than her wanting kids and me wanting to do drugs,were perfect for each other
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...
lesson #1 of freshman year: grinding with a sombrero is difficult
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
Also I'd apologize for texting you flipping my shit about the science of hair growth while I was shrooming last night but we know each other better than that
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Randomize
