mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
Robert just walked in drunk, grabbed my Jameson from me, told me to let him do his thing, and spilled it all over the coffee table. Then he told me to grab a funnel because he was going home.
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
