Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
That's the last time I get in a car with six rappers headed to god knows where.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
I'm upset for all the future generations who can't drunkenly get cheesy bread
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
Randomize
