mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
i may or may not have triedto pee like a boy and then dipped cheese ino the olive oil
also, am i correct in guessing that advertising the size of my hypothetical penis is a turnoff to him?
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
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