A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
Well she made a 15 year old cry, the grandmother did an ice luge and I woke up to the sound of sex moans
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
my mom tells me this morning that i was blasting teach me how to dougie at 2 am last night and refused to leave her room until she dougied with me
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize