haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
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How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I know, I know. But we've discussed my friends and appropriate social behaviour, and I'm pretty sure topless karaoke was a no-no.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
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So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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