It was my first time buying condoms at the liquor store... I was nervous and there were quite a few people, so I tried to do it as quickly and quietly as possible. When I got to the Indian cashier, he took one look at them and said loudly, "Ohhh you gonna get it on tonight, ah?!"
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?
This creepy guy was following me and i hid in the bushes. i could say i was high as an excuse but honestly it was straight up fun.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
Welcome to a new world. May the gods of weed smile upon you as you embark on exploring this new dimension.
He doesn't deserve you. Your ass looks 8 times better than his face ever will. Wanna order pizza and watch porn?
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
