Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
I'm playing drinking games with a boy who looks like Liam Hemsworth. I think I'm fine.
Blood everywhere...karaoke was nice
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I wore a bathing suit downtown so I didn't have to put on underwear, I obviously don't have my shit together
He walked around my apt complex completely naked and started peeing in the maintenance because he thought it was the bathroom. So yeah, pretty drunk.
Randomize
