Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
I just heard a girl in all seriousness say, "I told him I'm not a stalker. I just really really want to talk to him."
Shit sorry. Maybe I wont give you this sweet ass fanny pack I found in my parents attic
we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring
I miss vodka workout Fridays
I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
So good news, aparently I blacked out and tried to go in the back of the mcdonalds to thank the people for makin my fries
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
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