My face smells like last night's lay. I need a whore bath. Or a corndog.
After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.
Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.
Wow. Its not even 11am.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
I just put my eye make up on in the bathroom of the bar.... I may be too comfortable here....
Randomize
