Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
Walked into the bathroom and saw a Minion eating out Harley Quinn so this Halloween will be hard to top.
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
Did you really have to freak out and get up half way through to put the cat in the closet?
...
Randomize
