How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Let's get matching tattoos, something that resembles our friendship
A tequila worm?
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
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