it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
Randomize
