I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
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