you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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