dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
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he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
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I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
I'm currently drunk proofing my room
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