Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
I did the walk of shame in nothing but a sleeping bag and now I'm on my way to pick up plan B. Let's not make a habit of this.
Sounds like a good New Years
Bullets don't scare me. I wish I was a coyote
he has a party story that rivals our "PTSD- soldier-with-a-knife" party story. I'm pretty sure this is part of some prophecy.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
I swear to god he thought my ass was a bag of wine last night.
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
Did you have a good sleep?
if a good sleep includes waking up cuddling a bottle of wine I had a GREAT sleep
Im sorry for telling you id rather jump into traffic than date you again. I didnt mean to be so rude
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
