I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
You look like a girl that would like strip clubs
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
I threw up in the shower, slipped, and fell in it. Should I try and continue my day or just get back in bed?
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
He stood me up.
I'm no sure if I should be pissed or proud that he finally grew a backbone.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
omg how embarrassing to not hear the delivery person knocking because you're singing "where are you Pizza" to the tune of "where are you christmas" too loudly
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Randomize
