I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I didn't talk to you tonight because I've decided you look like a man.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
Just saw my bank statement. It literally goes liquor store pizza place liquor store pizza place bar bar bar liquor store pizza place 711 for snacks withdrawl for drugs rinse and repeat
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
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