You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
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