you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
What people don't tell you about near death experiences is they give you a full on chub
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I told him his only options were from behind or me on top. I was not about to mess up my $80 blow out before graduation.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Blow jobs in the hobby lobby parking lot, oh lawd there gonna pray for me when they review those tapes ...
Hi. Tara tells me your sandwiches and stamina are substantial
It's my day off, I'm going to Target to check out Moms in yoga pants
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Randomize
