White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You know you gave a quality blow job when you have to ice your neck and jaw the next day.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
