Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
We could get her a gift basket of Xanax l
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
Dude I had sex with her and she STILL thinks I'm gay. I don't know what else to do.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
I was so high last night that at one point I kept licking his neck saying he tasted like soap and truffles.
Randomize
