Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
there was a guy here who managed to get his head stuck in a fishbowl. no, I don't fuckin know how
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
I just read the lonely terrorist on nwa had 40 more friends than me on facebook
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Almost there.
define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
He says he invented a new sex move called The Redbird that we can only do when I'm on my period. Should I be concerned?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Randomize
