Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
Nothing like playing hide and seek with a state patrol officer early in the morning to get your heart rate up.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
It's volleyball. Just do it. You want to look sporty. Save sexy librarian for another day.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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