insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
Whatever you gave me is making me lactate
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
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