im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.
I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I miss her, but also fucked her ex boyfriend.... So there's that
Yeah you burned that bridge with your vagina
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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