..well, okay, so long as I don't have to wear an apron or vaccum in high heels.
nope just do me i'm drunk and easy to plz
one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
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